


how do we move on?

by Irrwisch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: "Despair" coda, Angst, Canon Compliant, Dealing with the loss of a loved one, Dean Winchester is Not Heterosexual, Dean Winchester is Not Okay, Gay Castiel, Hurt, M/M, SPN 15x18 coda, spn coda, the moment where we all collectively lost our shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:26:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27426433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrwisch/pseuds/Irrwisch
Summary: Two Codas for SPN Ep 15x18One from Dean's POV, and the other from Sam.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 71





	1. DEAN

“How did it happen?”

Dean didn’t want to talk. He hadn’t even moved. He was still sitting next to the wall - how could he ever move again? This was the last room Cas would ever have been in. This was the room in which he -

Dean couldn’t.

Sam had been in here, but Dean could barely remember what had been said. Sam knew. In what words, he didn’t remember, but he had told - had told Sam what had happened. And now Jack. Jack wanted to know.

How could he re-tell this again? He had no idea how he’d done it a first time.

Cas was dead.

_“I love you.”_

How could he say that, and then just die? Did they really need to have these life-changing speeches just seconds away from dying? Why couldn’t Cas just have said that the last time they’ve been watching a movie? The last time they had a drink together? They’d never do these things again.

Cas was dead.

_“The one thing I want... it’s something I know I can’t have.”_

Dean couldn’t. He wanted to take a hammer and bash the wall in. He needed to find a way into the Empty, find Cas. But he couldn’t. Cas was gone. How was Dean supposed to march on? How was he supposed to fight God if there’d be no reward at the end? If there was no Cas, then what was the point?

Cas was dead.

It had been the first time Dean had seen him smile like that. The first time he’s seen him cry. It shouldn’t have been the last time. Dean had seen bee socks the last time he had gone shopping. He should’ve brought them for Cas. Cas would’ve liked them. Cas should’ve had pyjama pants. Cas should’ve decorated his room more. Cas should’ve been with him more.

_“You changed me, Dean.”_

Cas wasn’t supposed to change. Cas was supposed to be here.

_“Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.”_

How dare he? How dare he? How dare he keep all of this? It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t -

“He loves me.” 


	2. SAM

They’re dead, they’re all dead.

“Cas, he’s... he’s gone.”

God, his voice. Dean had barely been able to speak. The tears had been so clear on his face. He must’ve been sobbing. Sam never believed he’d see Dean like this one day: completely and utterly broken.

Dean hadn’t said how it happened. How Cas got the Empty to come here. When Sam had asked, Dean had only been able to shake his head. 

There was a bloody hand-print on Dean’s shoulder. He refused to take the jacket off.

“It’s all I have left, Sammy, please...”

Sam’s never heard Dean’s voice cutting out like that.

What was he supposed to do? He saw them die. Eileen is dead.

He wants to cry. He wants to scream. He wants to break down. But he can’t. Because if he does, then... then who will hold them together? Last time Cas died, Dean was a mess. Sam felt like this time would be even worse. There wasn’t even a body they could burn, nothing to say good-bye to.

Castiel had saved Dean from Death.

Sam wished he could’ve been there. He wished he could’ve changed something. Maybe he could’ve found a way. Found a way to save them all.

He bit his lip. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t scream. He couldn’t grieve. He had to go on. He had to be strong. He could grieve later, when they were done.

Sam just wished there’d be something at the end. He wished that there’d be Eileen at the end. He wished that there’d be Cas at the end.

But he doesn’t get a choice. He never gets a choice.

He just has to carry on.


End file.
